Ive been in a funk these past few days. For reasons I don’t claim to understand.
Wishing it would go away, and wishing at the same time that it would just sit. And stay a while. Atleast then it would be predictable.
Wondering what to do.
Trying to stay positive.
Trying to enjoy. And smile. And laugh. And love. Freely.
Unsure of what to think. What to say. Or what to do really.
Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I scream? Do I get mad? Nothing seems to fit.
It just seems, somewhat, surreal.
Everything.
I guess its just going to take some getting used to. This life of mine.
Looking back over these past years, seeing how fast and how quickly things change. Having purpose, and reason one minute. And nothing the next. How something so bleak, empty, and pointless can suddenly turn into something worth living for. And how in living, comes fears. Because living just doesn’t come natural anymore.
It seems the hole should be filled by now, the pain should be gone. But I have reserved that hole for her, and its not going to be filled by just anyone.
Seven years and the only thing people remember of her is what I say. Which is nothing. No one remembers her. If I were to forget, the world would never know her. Is it wrong? To miss someone who never existed to anyone but me? Is it wrong to live in this fairy tale that went wrong? Is it wrong to not know what to think, or feel, or do anymore?
I don’t even know her anymore. How do I know if I still love her? How do I know who she would be? How do I know who she is?
Why cant I be happy with what I have, instead of lost because of what I don’t?
