Sometimes I don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want to be ok with it. Sometimes I want to throw myself on the ground and kick and scream with the best of them. Sometimes I want to scream and yell at how UNFAIR it all is. Sometimes I want to wrap my hands around someones neck and just squeeze. Sometimes I just want to burry my head and forget. Sometimes I want to ignore the elephant in the room. Ignore the signs. Ignore the words. Sometimes I want to just ignore it all, and pretend.
Pretend the door will open and she will rush in. Pretend that she isn’t gone. Pretend the day will end with her in my arms. Pretend that behind that door, she is there. Pretend that if I close my eyes, squeeze them shut, count to ten, it will all be over. Pretend that life is a big joke, and I can walk right out that door into a brand new life without all this baggage. Pretend that running does some sort of good, and that I am not stuck here. Drowning. Pretend that I don’t HAVE to pretend to be ok, that I AM ok. Because sometimes…I get tired.
Tired of pretending. Tired of living. Tired of trying. Tired. Of going on. Like nothing happened. Like everything is ok. Like that elephant simply doesn’t exist. Tired of straining to hear their names, tired of wishing someone would talk about them. Tired of wishing that I weren’t so alone in my mind with my thoughts, that no one knows.
Sometimes I wish that all this pretending could end this tiredness that I feel.
And that I could run out that door, and end it all.
By seeing that smile.
Hearing that laugh.
Sometimes. I can see her smile, and I smile with her. I can hear her laugh, and I laugh too. I can feel her arms around my neck and I hold on as tight as I can, only to wake up and realize…that the only hands around my neck are my own. Wishing. Hoping. Pleading. That my time too would come. Sometimes, this world is simply not enough to fill the emptiness I feel. Sometimes I don’t want to hold my broken heart together. Sometimes I want to let go and see, just for a moment, what would happen. How far would I fall, how far could I fall. And would I be strong enough to pick back up and carry on, again, without her at the end?
My heart aches, but so do my arms. I wish to hold her. Hold her tight and never let go. Never have to let go. Dreams just arent enough, because they end. I have to let go. I open my eyes and see the light of another day. Taking her away, until tonight.
Until another dream brings her back to my broken heart and tired mind.
But sometimes…dreams…arent enough for me.
