Last night I got mad at the clock. Yes, you read that right. I have the ability to get mad at an inanimate object at any given time. I walked from one room to the other, saw the numbers, let a few words fly then I grabbed it, unplugged it, cussed it out some more and tossed it across the room.
I am done acknowledging it. I am done accepting it. I am finished being ok with it. To be honest, I never was ok with it. I never was happy with accepting it. I tried, because that’s what I thought was expected. In enough time I was SUPPOSED to be ok with things. I was supposed to be able to acknowledge what had happened and I was expected to be ok with it, and while I tried…I just cannot be ok with it anymore. I cannot see those numbers, and constantly be reminded and be ok. I cant. And if I could…then I am done.
A while ago when I first started see those numbers appear in random places, I figured it was just wanting to be acknowledged. It wanted me to say “Ok. I see it. I get it. I know whats coming.” So I did. I became the stupid fool talking to random numbers in random places. But last night. It caught me in a moment when I was NOT ok with accepting it to be what it was. And people laugh. They laugh when I tell them “I was tired of the numbers” because they think its funny, and really, it probably is.
But seeing those numbers, feeling followed by a certain set of numbers…it makes me feel even more crazy. More absurd than I already am. Really, I am probably just painfully aware this time of year of those numbers. I am seeing them places I wouldn’t normally see them because I am trying to avoid them. And the harder I try to avoid, the more they appear. I might be able to avoid it in certain places at certain times, but other times…I walk right into it.
And sooner or later, the day will pass and things will return to “normal.” But something inside me wonders…will I ever be ok? Will I ever see those numbers as simple numbers again? Will I ever return to the state of not so insane? And if so…when. Because Im really getting tired of being haunted…by numbers. Numbers that mean nothing to everyone else, but mean everything to me.
